love and a coffee shop

2011: when i learned to defeat my enemies with success .

2011-12-31T09:57:00.000-05:00

Every year on Dec. 31, I find myself thinking about all the things that could have happened should I have made different decisions or said better words. This year, though I have similar thoughts, I find I have experienced a lot of both good and bad situations that make me very different today than I was a year ago.

On Jan. 2, 2011, my now ex-boyfriend and I were celebrating our four-year anniversary. That would mark the first time in a long time that I thought things were taking a turn for the better. I guess you could say they were, in an abstract way. Eight months later, we broke up and though it has been an interesting afterward, I have never been happier.

I learned that some people, no matter how much you care about them or worry for their happiness, may want a hand to hold, but just not yet. I learned that sometimes even the individuals who have had the hardest times are the ones who play the silliest games, not because of you but because of their own insecurities. But most importantly, I learned that no matter who comes into my life, or who decides to run out, I have one person to rely on and that person is me. I am very lucky to have the people in my life that I do and not once have I, my best friends or family members turned their backs on me.

I also took a leap in the right direction to jump starting my journalism career when I completed a six-week internship at The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. To this day, I have kept in contact with the connections I made while at the corporation. The lessons learned and experiences gathered there are irreplaceable. I have never been more proud of myself than I am about the things I was able to accomplish while interning. I am still doing some volunteering for The CBC for events and whatnot, and with every event, I shake a different hand.

This year, I also decided to apply to Carleton University in Ottawa and Ryerson University in Toronto for my Master of Journalism. I am almost done my applications. Four years ago today I would have never guessed I would be aspiring to fulfill an MJ.

Just this past semester, I wrote a 25-page thesis on the relationship between gender and race in Cinderella, Mulan and The Princess and the Frog and how young female audiences are affected by the consumption of such media. I read a number of articles, skimmed through several books and managed to write a paper valued at a grade of 85 per cent. I never thought I'd see the day...

Writing this paper helped me narrow down exactly what I want to do with my Honours Bachelor of Applied Arts in Media Studies, Journalism Diploma and hopefully the soon-to-be-mine Master of Journalism: Investigate the ways media consumption impacts the ways females develop emotionally, psychologically, socially and physically. I'd love to write a book on the topic and perhaps produce a documentary following the life of a few girls struggling to find what it means to be themselves in a world where beauty has been stolen from the eye of the beholder.

I am also in the process of planning a benefit concert for the Eating Disorders of York Region, a non-profit organization, called Rock for Charity! in Toronto. All proceeds will go toward helping the organization host workshops that will support people in their fight against eating disorders.

My perceptions of my very own self-image have changed drastically, as well. Earlier this year, I gained a bit of the weight I worked so hard to lose back. Stress and other factors probably weren't a great help to my already practiced emotional eating tendencies. It took me until the summer to realize that I can't spend the rest of my life worrying about every calorie I consume, every pound I weigh or whether or not I can make it to the gym. Instead, I need to worry about my own happiness. If I want a piece of chocolate cake just because, well then I should be able to enjoy that piece of cake without feeling guilty. I aim to eat as healthy as I can and be active as much as possible to ensure my own happiness, because those things themselves help me attain it. I've stopped weighing myself because it only adds stress to my life. I work out three to five times a week, every week, and I eat healthy 85 per cent of the time. At the end of the day, I have to live my life and there is no room for guilt or regret. I go by how I feel and I feel great.

So tonight, when I am at the dinner table with my big, traditional Italian family eating an abundance of delicious food and when I am dancing with one of my oldest and closest friends at a local bar, getting my drink on, the only thing I am going to be thinking about is the transition I have made from this point last year. This year was insane, but it was crucial. Tonight will kick off a new chapter of my life, a chapter that is completely in my control.

2012, I think I can handle anything.

a day (and night) out on the town .

2011-12-16T09:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had the pleasure of volunteering at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation's Sounds of the Season event. I manned the line for a meet and greet with Peter Mansbridge, the host of the "The National." Doing so lead me to taking the photograph to the right. I may or may not have given Mansbridge a thirty-second crash course called, "Leviana's resume," but hey, in school we learn that good journalists have to be a little bit pushy. Regardless, it was nice to finally meet the man my family has been watching on television for the past I don't know how many years. And, it was also great to leave my name with him. You know, since I aspire to be working in the same field in t-minus three years.

After the Mansbridge meet-and-greet, I got to talk to CBC's local news team (see them in the photo to the left). Dwight Drummond, local news host, (on the far left) remembered me from my internship this past summer, even though I only saw him once in an elevator ride. Michelle Leslie, weather reporter, (to the right of me) and I caught up very briefly, too. I met her when interning, as in the news room, the weather desk is right behind the arts desk. Anne-Marie Mediwake, another local news host, (to the right of Leslie) wished me good luck and shared some words of wisdom after I casually mentioned my goals and dreams for the future.

Before my shift started, I went up to the fifth floor of the building to visit all my former coworkers from my internship. It was great to see them again! And, it most certainly made me wish I didn't have one more semester of school left. Even though I want to do my Master of Journalism starting next September, having a secure job would also be amazing. I guess I just have to continue being enthusiastic, optimistic, a little bit pushy and overall very positive.

In fact, those four characteristics were what one gentleman said I was last evening, only after meeting me for under half-an-hour. I was asked to join the CBC's weekend news team's holiday party at the Rivoli in Toronto. I mingled with some former coworkers, got to meet several new people, shook a number of hands (firmly, I assure you) and had a few drinks to boot.

Yesterday's events were a much needed confidence boost. The past few weeks have been interesting to say the least. I felt I was going to make it in life only because of the people around me. But, I realized that even though the people who I associate with will help, in the end all I have is me. Me, myself and I. I have to trust that I am moving in the right direction. I've devoted so much time and effort to my experiences and my education and I am happy I am pursuing my dreams for one person and one person only: ME!

an attempt to reconnect.

2011-10-18T22:28:00.000-04:00

For a while now, every time I want to write a blog post, I feel the urge to start it with, "I am so sorry that I haven't written in ages." Well, I'm over that. I'm actually over a lot these days.

Since the last time I've written a lot has changed. My boyfriend of four-and-a-half years is now my ex-boyfriend. We broke up about a month-and-a-half ago. I was horribly distraught at first. But now, I am actually a lot better, a lot happier than I ever thought I would be.

I guess the reason I was always so down before was because I was unhappy in the relationship I was in. I'm not saying that the person I was with for almost five years is a bad person. He isn't. We just kept making excuses. We kept telling each other that we were in it for the long haul, but that long haul would have probably been the death of us. Literally.

Instead, I'm focusing on me and surrounding myself with people who bring a smile to my face on the regular. It's great medicine.

i bought this hat in montreal. i love it.

2011-07-04T16:42:00.001-04:00

florida here i come!

2011-06-18T23:54:00.000-04:00

This week I found out I am going to Florida form July 21 - 28. I am so excited. I haven't been on a vacation in three-years.

:)

an interesting, but wonderful, evening.

2011-06-16T23:52:00.000-04:00

I went out for frozen yogurt with one of my girlfriends tonight and while we were chomping away on our delicious concoctions, we ran into someone from high school we hadn't seen in ages. A lot has changed since the last time we spoke to this person, not all of it has been good, but I'm very glad we ran into each other.

Having this experience took me back to a place when I was very unaware of anything harmful, anything that could change the future for better or for worse. And now, seeing this person has giving me the opportunity to look back and for the first time in a long time miss the friendship we once had in our grade eleven year. I hope we can keep in touch now even more so than we had back in the day.

Also tonight, my girlfriend and I got out of our rut. At least I think we did. We had a large hiccup but I think the air has calmed on both our ends and we are ready to move forward. I'm in a really happy place right now.

SHESOFAB TEASER VIDEO

2011-06-16T19:53:00.000-04:00

my little success story.

2011-06-11T13:03:00.003-04:00

I haven't blogged in a super long time. I'm sorry. I am in better spirits since the last time I wrote, though. I've really given a lot of thought to what I want to achieve this summer and that's success...but on more than one level.

Firstly, I want to successfully complete my internship course, in which I am almost done. As I've discussed in earlier posts, I did a six-week internship at CBC Toronto. Words cannot express how fantastic it was. But, the latter part of completing this internship includes putting together a portfolio, writing a paper, and submitting a supervisor's evaluation of my skills and work ethic. I'm working on the portfolio as I write this, will get around to writing the paper, and I've done my part of the eval. I'd like to say I'm in good shape.

Speaking of good shape, I've lost six-pounds. And, during this weight loss I am challenging myself not to focus on the numbers but instead on how I feel. I'd like to say I'm also succeeding in this aspect. I've been eating well, sipping on some peppermint tea, working out regularly, and trying to smile more. I'm trying to be me again. I think whatever I've been doing is working.

The trick I'm using is something called music. Earlier this week I went to a free City and Colour concert. As you know, I not only adore the man behind the band, Mr. Dallas Green, but I also love the way his voice chimes to every beat. He came out with a new album. And ever since the free show and the new album became my own, I've been happy. All the time.

I'm learning to live my life because we were only given one chance to do it (thanks Ashlee). And so, when I received an e-mail the other day from my local newspaper asking me to write a story, I said yes even though I was super swamped with work already. I got good feedback and it's in today's Richmond Hill Liberal.

In other news, I'm going to Montreal on Canada Day long weekend with my girlfriends. I am going to treat myself to a party (or two), bagels, chocolate croissants, poutine, and every other treat I can get my hands on. This weekend to come is essentially my summer vacation this year and I'm going to live it up. I'd like to think I deserve it.

I like where this summer is going. I can't believe it's almost halfway done, but I like how the end looks. And when the end comes, I'll be entering my fourth-year of university. Major WTF right there, but I'm excited for the memories, the tears, the stress, and everything completing my undergraduate degree and diploma have in store for me.

Cheers.

little hell by city and colour.

2011-06-11T08:30:00.002-04:00

What if I can't be all that you need me to be?
We've got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep.
But my diction, it can be such a detriment.
Please believe in this my dear, I am more than penitent.

What if everything's just the way that it will be?
Could it be that I am meant to cause you all this grief?
My warship's a-lying off the coast of your delicate heart,
And my aim is steady and true as it's been right from the start.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/city_and_colour/little_hell.html ]
There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me.
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall
Stare into the past, and forget it all...

So when we leave it'll be a quick midnight escape.
We'll disconnect ourselves from all of yesterday.
I'll dig for water and fashion our very own wishing well.
Then, we'll throw our coins down hoping to rid us of this little hell.

There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me.
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall
Stare into the past, and forget it all...

Will we get out of this little hell?
Will we get out of this little hell?
Will we get out of this little hell?
Will we get out of this little hell?

who do you think you are?

2011-05-21T16:48:00.002-04:00

I'd just like to warn anyone who reads this post that it seeps very deep into the pit of my heart, my gut, and my soul. I've needed to get a lot of the following off of my chest for such a long time and I kept forgetting to do it. So, here it goes...

I think I have a problem. I'm always stressed out. I'm super moody. I feel disgusting. I've lost four pounds since I've been off of school, and I'm happy about that, because I've only been off school for four weeks. A pound a week is healthy and I should be happy but instead I'm not. Why? Well, because I'm retaining so much water, I feel so uncomfortable with myself, and whenever I go for a run or a long walk (and I try to do that every day) it literally feels like I'm being chased by my feelings and that if I don't walk faster or run harder I'm going to get swallowed up into this deep, dark hole called my unconscious mind.

I've concluded I feel this way because I don't have as much me time anymore. Last summer, I had the months of May and June to really focus on me. I lost ten pounds, got into shape, got a super nice tan, and really liked myself. It was the first time I could actually look in the mirror and say "Hey, you look good" and believe it. I had never felt like that before. And, I think it's gone.

It's depressing but it's the truth.

Part of the reason why I don't feel happy with myself is because I have become such an emotional eater, more than I already was. So, whenever I get in that, "Eugh this is so bad" mood, I eat. It has been happening less and less, and I'm happy about that, but when I do get in this emotional-eating-state, it's very hard to get out of it. I tell myself, "Stop eating that you're not hungry" but I physically cannot put down whatever it is I've decided to munch on. Like I said, this hasn't been happening as often, but when it does it feels like my emotions are eating me up. Pun intended.

I need me time. I really do. I mean, I haven't even been able to get through To Kill A Mockingbird and it's been sitting on my bedside table for weeks. That's not like me. I love reading...Or at least I used to.

And so, today I started my day with a book, sitting outside in the sunshine. Then I went for a walk to visit my grandmother. My little cousins happened to be there and they mean the world to me. They're simple, they laugh at everything, and they give me hugs all the time. We played soccer and ate some homemade pizza (thanks to my grandmother). Then I walked home and that leaves me here...Typing away.

I don't know what's going on with me. I hope whatever it is comes to an end quickly. I don't like the person I am when I feel this way.

new hair!

2011-05-16T06:53:00.000-04:00

I decided to cut my hair yesterday and I actually love the new style so much. My hair has gone from long and limp to long and stylish. Thank you new hairdresser Melissa! Now let's see if I can keep it up to par...Err...

Have a good day!

soar.

2011-05-01T21:03:00.000-04:00

I just went for a walk in the rain and it felt fantastic. While doing this, I rekindled my love for Soar by Christina Aguilera. It used to give me something to look up to when I was younger, thus it made me smile today.

What is it in us that makes us feel the need;

to keep pretending?

Gotta let ourselves be.

Don't be scared

to fly alone

Find a path that is your own

Love will open every door.

See in your hands the world is yours.

Don't hold back and always know,

All the answers, they will unfold.

What are you waiting for?

Spread your wings and soar.

wisest words.

2011-04-29T20:34:00.000-04:00

i have chills.

2011-04-29T20:32:00.006-04:00

god makes no mistakes.

2011-04-26T19:52:00.000-04:00

I'm finishing my third year of university tomorrow afternoon as soon as I complete my last exam. As soon as I can check this off of my to-do list I'm going to try and get started on the following:

Continue working out every day (since I started at the CBC, I haven't had time to exercise but I think being done exams will give me more time to be active).
Try to cut pasta out of my Monday to Saturday diet for real (I started trying to do this last week, but it's really hard because my family eats pasta a lot. I have reduced my portions though, and try to only have it once or twice a week...Easter weekend kind of messed me up too).
Start one of the five summer reads I purchased last week. So excited to have some leisure reading to look forward to.
I've gained some weight back and it sucks. I'm going to lose it this summer though. My goal weight is 135. If I can get there again, and it's only about 5-7 pounds away, I will re-evaluate and see how I feel at that point.
With or without the weight loss, I just want to feel happy with myself. And, last summer I did feel that way for the first time in forever. I've lost that feeling recently, perhaps because of stress and other factors that I can't really control, but I'm getting it back. Nothing is stopping me.

Baby, I was born this way-hay!

Nonetheless, I'm feeling pretty blessed these days. I had a blog post published on the CBC website today. And, I got to meet k.d. lang this week.

On that note, I'm off to study for my last exam. I can't wait for it to be done. I will probably start dancing on the bus on my way home.

Love, love!

procrastination 101

2011-04-17T13:50:00.001-04:00

I start my internship tomorrow at the CBC. I'm so excited and so nervous all at the same time. I've been preparing myself all week: Staying updated with the news, reading and highlighting Writing for CBC Television (the corporation's must have book), and reminding myself that I can do this.

I also have two exams to study for. But, besides being super psyched and focusing most of my time on prepping for CBC, I've been spending this weekend either singing Dallas Green, taking pointless Photo Booth photos of myself, blogging about nothing at all (ahem, this post is a great example), or going to take little adventures (yesterday, I went to tour a nut factory with my dad. Don't ask me how on earth I got suckered into doing that, but it was actually pretty sweet).

Today, being Palm Sunday and all, has been centred around going to church, family, and what else other than eating my weight in carbohydrates. Yum!

But on that note, I'm making a goal for myself to accomplish this summer. I'm going to try and cut pasta out of my diet. My mom was literally in shock when I told her. My good ol' Italian mommy....But, I want to see if I can do it. No, that doesn't mean I'm starving myself (hell no...I love food too much)! And, don't worry, Sundays are going to be my cheat day. Today counts as being a cheat day, for the record. I'd like to lose the little muffin top I have growing around my belt line and I think giving up pasta is a good start.

I exercise five days a week, eat plenty of whole grains, fruits, and vegetables, and only drink water (pop and I have never really cooperated). I'm going to start with the pasta challenge, and then I'm going to see if I can reduce how much red meat I eat to ensure I can continue to stay healthy or even get healthier! We'll see what happens, I suppose.

That's all for now...

I have to actually try and study before my Nonna arrives with scrumptious Sunday food.

SheSoFab update!

2011-04-11T10:59:00.000-04:00

Hello followers,

I've published several new posts on SheSoFab Magazine. There you'll find some quick pieces about anything from Lady Gaga and Jersey Shore to eating right and parenting.

Check them out!

- Leviana Coccia

do one thing a day that scares you.

2011-04-10T17:34:00.002-04:00

I've never been a runner. I never could keep up with those running alongside me nor could I push myself to go the extra step. This year, though, I've changed that.

When the Christmas break came to an end in January, I promised myself I'd exercise as much as I could. In doing that, I've picked up running. Though jogging on the treadmill gives me a sense of satisfaction when I see how many miles I've gone, how many calories I've burned, and the like, running outside does something different; something better.

Yesterday, for the first time in my entire life, I ran outside for a half-an-hour straight. Normally, walking the path I chose to run would take me an hour.

On the treadmill, I can go for an hour at a time, but this weekend I just took in the change of season; the change in me.

Feeling the sun on my face, the sweat on my back, and my legs moving one after the other had me in this place where no one could touch me or stop me. It was just me and the bright sky, taking in our surroundings.

Today, I did the same. I laced up my running shoes, slapped on a sports bra, and took to explore the springtime air with gentle speed and a passion for something new.

I didn't care how fast I was going or how bad I was sweating. Instead, I challenged myself with each step. I ran up two of the highest hills in my area, not stopping once. I kept my steady pace while humming to the beat of the track playing from my iPod.

These runs reminded me of summer: The glory the sun and the wind can give, the ease at which the clouds slowly move in the blue sky, and how fulfilled I felt once the runs came to an end.

I've changed a lot since summer's past, in more ways than one, but taking up a new-found love for running has given me motivation to do a lot more. I never thought I could do it, yet here I am.

happy happy birthday!

2011-04-06T10:31:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRLS!

You've always been there for me, through thick and thin.

I wish you all the best.

Summer is almost here! Then, we can celebrate your 21st year the way it should be!

Love you always and forever.

april 2, 2005: rest in peace.

2011-04-02T10:59:00.002-04:00

Six years ago today I went to bed teary eyed, praying he wouldn't leave just yet, feeling as though I hadn't been good enough to him, and wishing I could stop time. Six years ago today my grandfather died of pneumonia and cancer.

The night before he passed, I went to my very first high school party, not knowing how little time my grandfather had to live. I was aware he wasn't well, but I took for granted that he could go at any time. When I learned he would soon depart, I rushed to his home and tried to mouth the word "goodbye." I could barely see him through the tears spilling from my eyes, lying there helpless in bed. I brushed my lips up against his cheek and heard my dad saying, "Follow the light, papa."

Gone he was the next day. I awoke still praying his soul hadn't escaped, but the phone rang in the early morning providing my family and I with that dreadful call.

To this day, I am not successfully over his death. I just went to the cemetery to visit my grandfather's grave and tears still started to leak.

If he were still on this earth, a lot of things would be different. But, it is because he is not on this earth that I have some faith. Some people may think I'm crazy, but I still feel his presence around me when I find myself in a difficult place. Be it a dream, the smell of flowers, or not feeling alone, I know he is here with me.

Rest in peace. You will always be loved.

conception of misconception: My inner desire to explore a battle several women fight

2011-04-01T09:56:00.002-04:00

I stumbled out of bed this morning around 8am with my hair tossed atop my head only thinking of one thing: Today, I have an interview with the founding Program Director for Sheena’s Place, a centre in downtown Toronto providing free hope and support for people living with an eating disorder, Ann Kerr.

I just hung up the phone with Kerr and I’ve never been more inspired.

[Click me to read more]

insert title of the happiest acoustic guitar song you've ever heard here.

2011-03-29T20:26:00.001-04:00

I'm so looking forward to the next few months. I found out on Friday I have a six-week internship with the CBC in the News Network's Arts Unit. I'm still pinching myself. I start on April 18th. I can't even breathe. Still. gasping. for. air.

I learned today that my friend, Ashlee, who also goes to the University of Guelph-Humber, will be living about half-an-hour away from me this summer. I just finished blow-drying my hair and the entire time I kept thinking, "We are going to get to hang out so much!" I am a 14-year-old girl like that.

I can't wait for the memories the next few months have in store for me and the people I care about. I can't wait for the sun to beat down on my back, to meet new people, to get a taste of the real world, and to do all of it with such fantastic individuals.

Speaking of those fantastic individuals... some of them turn 21 on April 6. My besties from elementary school are celebrating their birthday in exactly a week and though I will not be able to see them, I do have something up my sleeve. Muahaha. I hope everything works out as I hope.

I'm not on summer vacation mode yet, though...so don't worry. My heart is on cloud nine, but my head is very much aware that I still have two-and-a-half-weeks of class left.

Cheers.

i like to eat, eat, eat...

2011-03-28T20:41:00.000-04:00

My dad keeps buying almonds and these delicious dried-fruit mixes, but I keep eating them like they're candy. And, trust me, dried fruit and nuts are almost worse for a person than candy (calorie and fat wise). Oh well, at least they're natural...if that even exists these days.

End rant. Got to go do homework.

Love.

happy without makeup!

2011-03-28T08:09:00.000-04:00

Went to a photo shoot yesterday for SheSoFab magazine. I had so much fun: Got my make up and hair did and I met so many sweet people. But, on that note, I am wearing minimal makeup today. I can't believe people actually wear layers and layers of makeup on a daily basis. Sheesh, I could never be a celeb.

so excited, can't focus.

2011-03-24T12:28:00.000-04:00

Going to see this beautiful garçon tonight at his free show at Toronto's Metro Square with some lovely ladies.

Thank you God for making this man.

prove you're human?

2011-03-20T18:12:00.001-04:00

Interesting.

I just created an account on Stumble-Upon and, since I still don't have Facebook, I was asked to prove if I am a human by filling out one of those little codes.

Is humanity really something to be based solely on one social media website? Half of the time people aren't even themselves on Facebook, they are who they want to be.

a little blurb for a lot of passed time.

2011-03-20T17:59:00.002-04:00

Sorry I haven't written in what feels like the longest hiatus ever. I've been busy with school, work, and life (you know, the usual). But, I'm done making excuses about all that. My blog is where I can be myself entirely, practice my writing, and it also provides sweet therapy (writing my thoughts, feelings, and aspirations has always made me feel at ease). So, I'm not going to abandon it anymore. I'm back, back for good.

Now for the good stuff!

I had an interview at the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) just over a week ago for an internship. I haven't heard back yet, but I'm stoked because I was considered. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world (as lame and Taylor Swift as it sounds). The CBC is one of the best and most trusted media outlets in Canada, never mind Ontario. And, I, third year Media Studies student, got the opportunity to go to the Toronto location, introduce myself, and show my face. Two of my good friends from school got interviewed, as well.

I also had the chance to practice anchoring for my school newscast last week. I never thought I wanted to be an anchor, but I figured I'd better try it out (because, you never know). I wasn't the greatest on-camera talent, I must admit, but I'm happy I pushed myself to give it a shot. I've been trying to do that a lot lately: Try something new every day. I've been keeping it up, too.

A week today I will be helping out at the SheSoFab magazine photo shoot, where women will get to come get their photo taken and tell the world why they are fabulous. To boot, I've been contributing to the magazine's blog a minimum of three times a week. I feel very blessed.

Anyways, that's all I have time for today. I have a lot going on until the end of the semester, but I can't believe summer is so close! In just about a month I will be done my third year. In a year, I will have my undergraduate degree. Cheers to that!

Until next time...

i need your help...again.

2011-03-07T07:46:00.001-05:00

Good morning everyone!

I hope you all enjoyed your weekend. I was busy writing a midterm and working, which leaves me somewhat exhausted (that could be an understatement) but feeling very productive.

It is at this point in my first somewhat interesting post in a while where I'd like to ask for your help!

I am currently working on a feature article about how and why girls often have misconceptions of body image. I was wondering if any of you would like to chat about why you think girls do experience this. Your personal stories are more than welcome, if you're willing to share of course!

You can e-mail me at levianacoccia@gmail.com if you'd like to help!

I really appreciate it.

I'm now off to go produce a newscast! I'm going to be the entertainment anchor today. Let's hope my voice doesn't crack!

Merci beaucoup!

- Leviana

regarding the lack of posts...

2011-03-05T18:04:00.003-05:00

Sorry about the lack of posts. I've been super busy with school, life, work, and all of that. But, I've been posting a lot on SheSoFab.

Hope all is well!

- Leviana

counting.

2011-02-28T20:45:00.002-05:00

Seven weeks 'til summer.

addicted.

2011-02-24T07:04:00.002-05:00

OLDSCHOOL BRITNEY SPEARS!

discovery.

2011-02-19T10:19:00.000-05:00

"Leviana, I didn't know you had a blog," my dad said to me this morning.

"Yes... I have one," I responded.

"You write about everything, eh?" he asked.

"Yeah. Did you read my post-argument angry posts?" I asked.

"I read everything," he answered.

I never knew my family members actually read this. Interesting.

Anyways, I have homework to do, TV shows to catch up on, and friends to see. Enjoy your weekend!

i wrote this article...

2011-02-15T17:14:00.001-05:00

...for my school paper's website. It's about an art gallery event that my friend and her classmates put on.

You may want to check it out. I'm proud of it.

Click me.

news.

2011-02-09T22:15:00.000-05:00

Going to be contributing to iQween Magazine. Check it out. Follow it.

finally.

2011-02-02T10:12:00.000-05:00

Somehow in the midst of a crazy work, school, and life schedule I've found peace. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face (perhaps because it's a snow day and my campus has been closed, but regardless...). I did yoga, ate a really good breakfast (organic flax plus oatmeal + chopped up banana and a yogurt), and am about to get today started.

I have a mental agenda going on. I'm going to do some readings for next week and start my first draft of my magazine service piece. I'm writing an article about how not to act on the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission). If you have anything you'd like to complain about (nasty/awkward behaviour) or something you'd like to compliment the TTC for, please fill out this survey.

Instead of continuing to shamelessly self-promote my day and my article, I'm actually going to get started on those readings!

Enjoy your days.

i'm writing an article about ttc etiquette. if you've got something to say, take this survey!

2011-01-28T20:59:00.000-05:00

CLICK ME!

heavy.

2011-01-27T20:33:00.000-05:00

If there is one thing I don't like about a traditional Italian family it's the sexism. No matter the time and no matter the situation, the men in my family tend to assume that cooking and cleaning are a woman's job.

I got home from school tonight around 7:00pm. My mom picked me up from the subway station. She had picked up some food to cook for supper, since my father had told her he would be warming up some left-overs. With some freshly bought groceries and the few leftovers in the fridge, there would have been enough for all four members of my family.

My mom and I walked in the door to find a table set with two place settings. My dad came down the stairs and said "Me and Domenic (my brother) ate. You guys can cook for yourselves."

Excuse me?

My mom works 13 hour days. My father works for a grocery company. My mom still finds time to cook dinner when she can and my dad who is surrounded by food all day everyday can't even manage to cook for his family? He didn't even come home late.

There has never been a day where my father has come home and my mom or I have said to him, "Cook your own meal." So why did he decide to pull this card, tonight?

Well, he says he had places to go and places to be. Really, though, he was on his way to my aunt's house to have a coffee. Must be nice to wake up, go to work, cook for yourself, and be social. My brother, who was home just waiting to be fed, said to me, "I don't know why you're so upset about this. All we did was cook for ourselves. It's not as if you didn't eat supper!"

Well, if it weren't for my mom who had generously left work to pick up some food for my entire family to eat, I wouldn't have been eating much tonight.

When I'm home in time for dinner--no matter what I've done that day--I cook for my family. That's what I've been raised to do. I don't complain. I embrace it and I've learned to become really creative in the kitchen. The issue is that lately I've been noticing I'm more selfless than my very own father.

I needed to vent.

what's a sunday without one of these.

2011-01-23T13:30:00.000-05:00

My dad always has a reason to snap at me. Yesterday, I went out for the first time in a long while. I had so much fun! The second I walked in my front door this morning, though, my dad gave me the same look Michael Corleone gives in the Godfather when he finds out his wife aborted his baby. Extreme, I know, but my dad does the same glare every time he doesn't agree with something; even the most simplistic something imaginable.

I said, "Hi dad." Then, he pulled the look.

Why is it that I can't have one single weekend of fun without feeling guilty of it? I don't feel guilty because I went out but because I don't seem to have "pleased" my dad.

I told him life is short and if he was going to get mad at me for having one night of fun then he probably should start living a life outside his standards. Being so uptight isn't a good way to travel.

Another reason I have to be annoyed with my father? Well, there are a tonne and I don't want to make it seem like he's a bad person or anything (because he isn't, he's just Italian, stubborn, and traditional) but today he's really got me ticking.

He saw a cocoon or something else of that disgusting nature in a small crevice and walked by it. My mom saw him look at the thing and said, "Are you planning on getting rid of that?" My dad answered, "No, you can do it. Doesn't it bother you?"

Then I called him a lazy princess.

Call me mean but I stick up for what's right. I'm not saying calling my dad lazy was a good call but I'm over it.

End rant.

rant.

2011-01-22T16:45:00.000-05:00

A salesperson today at the LCBO told me that he's so happy he no longer teaches at York University because undergraduate students don't know or do anything. When I told him where I go to school (University of Guelph-Humber) he didn't know what I was talking about. Don't hate ex-prof when you don't even know the demographic you're complaining about. K thanks.

your soul you must keep totally free.

2011-01-22T11:25:00.001-05:00

I'm in an odd place at the moment. I'm attempting to make notes on my elective textbook but I have very little motivation since I'm all caught up on readings and weekly assignments and my midterm isn't until after reading week. I'm also thinking about tonight. I haven't been out to a bar, pub, or club in forever. When I mean forever I mean summer. I'm lucky enough to have been invited to a friend's birthday party tonight at the Madison (a pub in Toronto). I don't plan on overly forcing alcohol down my throat, but I am going to have a few drinks. I'm also going to let myself have fun; sing, dance, be silly, and take stupid pictures. I haven't done that in a long time. I'm going to live, finally.

I know, I know... I'm being so dramatic but I am seriously excited just to let go for one night. I deserve it, I think. I worked out for eight days straight this past week, I am nowhere near behind in any of my classes, and I have been putting so much effort into everything, lately. I can put some effort into letting down my hair for one night, can't I? Oh yes I can. This mane of mine is coming down.

So essentially, I'm torn in a twilight zone (I hate this expression too, don't worry) where I want to be productive but since I have a good night to look forward to, my productivity levels aren't as high as they should be.

Though this place that I'm in is unproductive at the moment, I feel calm and happy. I'm listening to Mumford and Sons as well as some Florence and the Machine. I'm sipping on lemon water. I'm thinking of life as it is right now.

Thinking of life as it is in this moment has some drawbacks, though. I've probably mentioned it before but I have an internship to complete in my fourth year of study. I'm seriously so excited to finally get out into the real world and do everything I've been learning about for real. There is one problem, though: where should I do my internship?

My top choice is Toronto Life magazine. I love it. I've purchased the last few issues and I am inspired by the writing within the publication, the book's target audience, and the places interning for this magazine could take me.

My program (Media Studies) has changed a little bit since I first started. I can now do my internship in the summer, fall, or winter semester of my fourth year whereas before, we were told we could only do the internship in the final semester of our fourth year. Great, right? Sort of. Most of the top publications or news outlets have deadlines for summer internships that date back to October. When did we find out about this change? Well, we haven't officially been informed of all the changes but we started hearing about them through e-mails and the grape vine in December or so. Two months past most deadlines.

Sure, there are always options. But, can I work two jobs, volunteer somewhere, and do my internship this summer? I have no idea.

It's this right here that has been eating away at my stress levels lately. I'm not worried that I won't find an internship I am looking for, I just don't know how to get there or what to do right now at the start of it all.

All I can do is pay attention for further details. But, for tonight, I'm going to try not to think about this whole thing. I'll just keep my eyes and ears open, my efforts continuous, and my passions high.

proud.

2011-01-17T21:12:00.000-05:00

I had a three hour (or so) break between class and work today because I finished an in-class assignment way before my professor expected and I used my time so wisely. I went to interview one of the nurse practitioners at the Health Centre on campus for a report about the flu and how there have been over 700 confirmed cases of influenza this year, alone. Then, I went to work out. I want to start working out daily again--even if it is only for half-an-hour.

I went to the gym after my interview. Let's say I got there around 12:20pm. By the time I changed and filled up my water bottle it was about 12:30pm. I went on the bike for 30 minutes. Then, I migrated over to the chest press and lateral raises machines. I know girls aren't supposed to do the chest press but I did 20 reps because I'm trying to get rid of this little chicken fat between my arms and my boobs. Then, I did 20 reps on the lateral raises machine. On both machines I lifted 50 lbs. I realize some people can do 200 lbs but hey, I'm used to lifting 5 lb dumbbells. This is an accomplishment!

At 1:10pm a fitness class called Cardio Core was starting. I figured I'd give it a try since I had the time. Well, the first 20 minutes were dedicated to spin. I had to go on the bike again for another 20 minutes. My bum right now is killing. Those seats are so uncomfortable! Then, we did 20 minutes of core cardio and strength. Never before have I felt the pain I experienced today in my lower abdomen. Can you say fire?

I'm proud of how this week is going. I am extremely exhausted, though. I had to be up this morning at 5:30. Tomorrow I'll be up before the crack of dawn, again. Winter weather is unpredictable in Canada and so is the Toronto Transit Commission. Snow likes to fall and buses never come. Oh, how I cannot wait for the summertime.

wrong side of the bed.

2011-01-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

I spent all day yesterday at my grandmother's cooking for the feast day dinner of her hometown's patron saint. I was frying fritegli - which are these little balls of dough fried in huge amounts of oil and then sprinkled with sugar. I surprisingly only ate three or four of them. However, I woke up this morning with my stomach hella bloated and in not the greatest of moods.

My throat is sore, the only printer with ink in my house is so slow and I am printing documents so I can do schoolwork all day, my mom's asking me questions that she doesn't need to ask me, and I really want to do yoga this morning but I don't think that's going to happen.

I also need to go buy more tapes and DVDs for my broadcast class. There goes another $60.00 at least.

These aren't even big issues but I'm so frustrated this morning for some reason.

Anyways, I have three copy stories due tomorrow that currently suck so I have to go work on them. Then, I'm going to go do my eyebrows (they look like one), buy my stuff for broadcast, and then come back home and continue working on my copy stories. I hope I have time to read for my online course as well. And, if all goes well, I WILL do yoga by the end of the day. I have to.

week one is done.

2011-01-14T09:23:00.000-05:00

After approximately one week in school since the holiday break, all of my first classes have come to an end. I have a few interesting professors; one sweats a lot and rambles, another has a thick accent and I can barely understand her, and a third has been thrown into teaching my Advanced Newspaper Production class with no direction leaving most, if not all, of the students in that class in frustration.

I applied for the Online Editor position for my ANP class because I figured I'd learn a lot. I'd be practicing my video editing skills, my copy editing skills, my HTML skills, my design and layout skills, and everything in between. However, due to an unpredicted picking of jobs, I was not granted with the position I had put as my first choice. I'm not that upset about losing the position but I'm just annoyed because of the way the positions were chosen.

Every one's names were put on a list with their position. Then suddenly, a student in my class thought it would be a good idea to say he wanted the online position and not an editorial position. Bam. He gets it. I don't even know if I was on the list for the Online Editor position because as soon as this student grew a pair, so did the entire class. It became a free-for-all.

I ended up receiving the Life Editor position, which I'm fine with because it was my second choice. However, I wish things were done according to how they were supposed to be done. I'm done complaining, I'd just thought I'd share!

Anyways, I'm at school every single day this semester but for good reasons. I have class Monday - Thursday and I work Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I'm a busy bee but it will certainly all pay off in the end -- money wise and academically.

On Wednesdays I have my Statistics course. This is the class where my professor doesn't speak very loudly. She also has an accent (I mentioned this earlier). I read my Stats textbook last night and even though I was highlighting frantically and reading everything uber slowly, I am lost. I know my class is probably the easiest form of Stats out there (since it is actually called "Statistics for the Media") but I haven't taken Stats since the eleventh grade. It's been four years since I've used a calculator (besides the one on my phone to do simple math, haha). I'm just going to keep on trying. I know I'll learn something or the other.

As for today (Friday), I am currently waiting for a tour of the campus I am doing to start at 10am. It should go until about 11:30am if anyone shows up. Then, I am going to the gym for a ZUMBA class -- I haven't been in forever and I'm totally geeking out about how stoked I am. And afterwards, I have a meeting.

Tonight, I am going to take Nick out for his birthday. He turned 21 on Wednesday. We're going to the Rainforest Cafe, haha. I never really liked the food there but Nick really wants to go so I'll just get a salad or chicken.

I realize this update wasn't very exciting but I figured I'd jot my week down for you! :)

Have a good weekend.

high expectations.

2011-01-11T22:37:00.001-05:00

It has already been two full days of work and class. Without wasting any time at all, I am back into things full swing. I've only had two classes since school began again on Monday but I've been keeping up with my workload already and I have tried to get ahead in my online course. My job started up again on Monday, as well, and so far I've worked a good ten hours.

Though it's already busy, I am really looking forward to this semester. I'll be getting more experience on the broadcast front - hello newscasts! I'm not sure for which newscast, but for one of them I plan on applying to be an anchor. I'll also be learning how to produce a newspaper with seriously the best group of people on the face of the earth! I'll finally be stepping into the magazine world with my Media Writing, Editing, and Research course that begins tomorrow. Unfortunately, I start my Statistics course tomorrow as well. I'm just going to try and be positive. I'm sure someone somewhere has it worse than I.

I was actually quite nervous for this semester to start and now that it has I don't know if my nerves have calmed. I'm excited and anxious to get underway, that is without a doubt! The only thing I'm worried about is time. Time tends to be the issue in all the things I do and it's not because I lack in the time management department but it's rather that I tend to do so much in so little time that days just escape me. One thing that doesn't escape, no matter how little time I have to experience it, is stress. I know I'll be pulling my hair out with endless readings, reports, copy stories, essays, presentations, and (don't forget) midterms sooner or later but I'll just have to pull through.

My goal for this semester is to keep my average high. I don't want it to drop below an 85 percent. Keeping it at an 88.6 percent (which is what I had last semester) will probably make me poop rainbows.

experience.

2011-01-06T23:42:00.000-05:00

When I was little, my Nonno (who was just starting to bald in the centre of his head) said "Leviana," as he touched my hair, "I gave your mommy my hair so she could give you some of her hair." Also when I was little, I understood that as "You stole my hair." But, now whenever I think of this it puts a smile on my face.

I'm not quite sure why this thought came to me as I was brushing my teeth and looking in the mirror at my unfixed, tussled, mop but it did. It could have possibly abruptly came into my brain because I am utterly bored and cannot wait for school and work to start again. Or, perhaps, I rekindled this memory because no matter where I go, I will always carry the lessons the experiences and the people I love have taught me.

I promised myself that through this winter break I would find something for the summer; summer work and potentially some experience in the journalism field. I struck gold before the break hit for summer work but I was still looking for something in the journalism field until today.

I heard back from iQween Magazine, a magazine I'd written for during the summer of last year, and I was granted the permission to contribute to their blog starting next week. I'm happy because it's a good start but I'm also happy because I'll get to practice my writing even more!

I also applied to the local newspaper where I live and I've heard some positive feedback. I've been put in the "maybe" pile. This pile is much better than what I've been put in before. That pile I was placed in prior to this time around didn't even have a formal title. It was simply referred to as the "let-me-transfer-your-call-and-you-can-leave-a-message" pile.

I've made progress and I'm super excited about it all. There's just one problem. Time.

I just have to remember that with time comes experience and with more experience beckons a better me.

YAY.

2011-01-03T11:53:00.000-05:00

My Web Design mark is finally up. I got a 92 per cent. My average for this semester is an 88.6 per cent. I've never had an average this high in my life. So freaking happy right now. YAYAYAY.

ladida.

2011-01-02T23:49:00.000-05:00

SO OBSESSED WITH 'GRENADE' BY BRUNO MARS.

GONNA GO WATCH 'HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER' NOW -- ALSO A KNEW OBSESSION I'VE OBTAINED THIS BREAK.

LOVE. :)

i'd catch a grenade for ya.

2011-01-02T23:42:00.000-05:00

Today is my 4th year anniversary with my boyfriend. Love him to death.

We've come a really long way and he's one of the people who have always been there for me whenever I don't love myself as much as I should.

I'm happy we've come this far.

I'm happy we've grown up together.

I'm happy we're our own people.

I'm happy we trust each other.

We're far from perfect but I'm happy with that.

He's one of the only guys (outside my family) that I can be myself with.

He loves me unconditionally.

No matter how many times we fight, I know that we will fight through.

Last year at this time we weren't sure we'd even make it this far. But, we did.

Today, he took me to Niagara Falls.

We walked around, sipped Tim Hortons, ate a delicious lunch, gambled a bit, and spent the entire day together.

So happy.

I'd catch a grenade for ya.

Throw my hand on a blade for ya.

Jump in front of a train for ya.

I'd do anything for ya.

new year's resolutions.

2011-01-01T11:48:00.000-05:00

Stop getting popcorn when I go to the movies (this is equivalent to taking candy from a baby)
Try to see the positive in every situation
Continue to try and exercise on a regular basis
Continue to try and eat healthy
Continue to live a healthy lifestyle
Keep smiling
Don't let other people's decisions influence the way I operate
Be honest at all times even if others may not take it well
Take pictures at every memorable moment (I've stopped doing this since I got rid of my Facebook. Kinda sad).
Text my best friends on a regular basis (more regular than I do now).
Do yoga at least once a week to live stress-free.
Enjoy life, no matter how much I over-eat :P
Try to call my Nonna and Nonno once a day.

happy new year!

2011-01-01T11:31:00.000-05:00

I hope the start of your new year has been just as great as mine. I hope your night was filled with laughs, friends, family, and cheer! May the memories 2011 has already generated prosper and grow through moments forward.

Now, I'm off to eat my life away at my Nonna's house and then potentially go see my Zia.

Lots of love!

merry christmas!

2010-12-25T09:02:00.001-05:00

May your days be filled with

joy, happiness, and hope

(even if you do not celebrate)!

woooooo.

2010-12-24T11:56:00.000-05:00

I can't even explain how happy I am. I legit just ran down my stairs screaming. I received 4/5 of the marks for my classes this semester and I'm thrilled.

87 in Broadchast
95 in Specialized Reporting
86 in Sociology of Consumption
83 in Law

I'm still waiting for my Web Design mark but I'm not worried about it.

Oh my goodness, an 87.7 per cent average this semester is the BEST Christmas present ever.

happy birthday!

2010-12-21T12:59:00.002-05:00

No longer a teenager, girl.

Love you! :)

(One day we WILL go to a BSB concert together and we WILL get front row seats).

:)

2010-12-14T16:56:00.002-05:00

I can't wait until this weekend. Seeing all ma best friends.

christmas shopping list!

2010-12-14T09:55:00.001-05:00

I got my mom this beautiful blazer from United Colors of Benetton! I may also get her a bottle of Kaluha because it's the only alcohol she enjoys and we're running low (not in the sense that she drinks it all the time).

I'm getting my dad a case of Stella Artois (beer). It's his fave and he doesn't have any more. Plus, if I buy him anything else it won't get used.

Wow my family sounds like we're a bunch of alchies!! We're not, I swear.

I got my brother a Martin Brodeur jersey from the Canadian Olympic Hockey Team. It is the last Brodeur jersey from the Olympics ever. Good find? Considering Brodeur is his fave player, I think so.

all i want for christmas is for this law exam to be over and done with.

2010-12-14T09:47:00.001-05:00

I have my last final this Thursday and as happy as I am that I'm done in two days, I'm also really annoyed because I have to teach myself 13 weeks of law.

It's not the fact that I hate law or anything, it's just that my professor is a degrading fool who snaps whenever we ask questions. She assumes we have all taken law courses before (even though the last time I looked at law before this was in my grade ten Civics class). And, she didn't give us a reading schedule because she assumed we were psychic and knew what she wanted us to read based on lecture topics. Too bad the topics in our text book barely match up with what we discussed in lecture. Want to know why? Well, because we didn't have one lecture. We had a prof reading us five slides in thirty seconds and saying "Do you all get it?" But when someone would be like "No" she'd roll her eyes.

So whatever, I sucked it up. I did all the readings I could, I took notes on all of them, I went to every class and tried to take notes in lecture. I've done my part. However, that's not enough according to my professor. Two days ago, she sent us an e-mail with a list of chapters that we were asked to read because she was "very dismayed at all the questions [she] was receiving via e-mail." Out of that ten chapter list, I had read and taken notes on eight. Not bad considering I'm supposed to be psychic. BUT, I was still really upset that she had to send us this stupid list with additional chapters on such short notice.

I started re-writing my notes two nights ago and only finished last night at around 9:30pm. Now, I have to read it all, know it all, and somehow try and get through 13 weeks of crap in only two days. Fun times.

I'm going to go continue being a hermit. Before I do, though, I just want you to know that I'm not as crabby as this post makes me seem, haha. I am a little stressed, though. I can deal with exams and I'm not a cry baby in that respect, but I can't deal with exams that shouldn't even exist due to a lack of learning.

This exam is sucking the fun out of the Christmas season. Man, my house doesn't even have a Christmas tree up yet.

I'll try staying cheery! :)

first final of the year in an hour - cannot wait to be done with this.

2010-12-11T10:34:00.002-05:00

study sessions.

2010-12-10T22:54:00.003-05:00

I love study sessions over Skype. They make me miss residence and doing zumba in the study rooms before exams.

hahahahaha.

2010-12-07T19:16:00.001-05:00

study face.

2010-12-07T12:50:00.000-05:00

feel good.

2010-12-07T12:33:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning with the intent of continuing something I stopped doing when school started back up; early morning workouts. Thank goodness for Jillian Michaels and her Biggest Loser team for creating the Last Chance Workout DVD. The span of the DVD is supposed to last five to six weeks. Since I have approximately five weeks until class starts up again for the Winter 2011 semester, I'm planning on completing the DVD cycle. This isn't to lose weight or anything, it's just to be extra healthy with the Holiday's fast approaching.

Don't get me wrong, I am so excited for Holiday food. But, in preparation for the delicious fried fish, home-made cannelloni, lamb, turkey, and every dessert under the sun, I am going to get my workout on with a little bit more exercise and cautious eating!

Today for lunch I made the yummiest hot salad. I had some cabbage, mixed veggies, and some left over baked sweat potato and put them all together. So good and so healthy!

As for now, I'm going to continue studying. I have exams until the 16th of December and trust me, the time could not go by any slower. But, I think I'm going to listen to Michael Buble as I re-write notes (his voice is delicious and I love singing along to "Haven't Met You Yet").

Love.

true colours, like a rainbow.

2010-11-30T22:24:00.002-05:00

It was a simple day in my elementary school when my friends and I were walking outside for recess. I, being the klutz I am, wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and smashed my face into a pole holding up a door frame. The guy I had a crush on was behind me. He blamed my clumsiness on my weight and decided to walk onto the pavement and into the soccer field haven with his arms spread out--as if to mimic my circular body shape. For the rest of that recess period, every single boy was doing that; arms spread wide pretending to be the fat girl who was too big to fit through the doors. They were pretending to be me.

When I was in grade eight I weighed 180 lbs. Though I've shed close to 50 lbs from that original weight, I still carry the burden incidents like the one I explained above have caused me.

This incident took place probably eight or nine years ago. However, it is still very fresh in my mind and every time I feel out of place, I am taken back to that moment where I felt like I wasn't good enough.

I blame my insecurities on the fact that every single day of my elementary school life was a cycle of bullying. I'd get to school with high spirits but leave in tears. Guys never turned to look at me. Girls didn't want to be my friend.

Except, throughout my time there at the hell hole called St. Charles Garnier (I spent 10 years at this school), I met two people who make me feel better even when we are in different parts of the province, to this day.

Those two girls are some of the best friends I could ever have!

We know what it's like to be ridiculed. We know what it's like to feel like we're not beautiful (because some stupid hockey player nine year old told us we weren't). And, we also know what it feels like to be judged.

However, most importantly, we never feel out of place when we are together. We always find a way to be ourselves and to let our true colours show without the fear of going back to a repressed childhood memory.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm still that girl; the girl who ate pasta 3 times a day because my Nonna told me it was okay to do so. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with being a child and liking to eat what your Nonna puts in front of your plate! There is something wrong, however, with seeing yourself like you're not good enough because someone else thinks so.

I have to tell myself this almost five times a day (I haven't actually counted, I'm just using it as a figure of speech), but whenever you feel like you're not good enough--for whatever reasons--think about how far you've come, the people who love you, and the true colours your true friends will never judge and only appreciate.

I can be nothing short of thankful for the people who love me--those I've known my entire life, others I've known for most of it, and those people who I've met throughout my time in university. If you are ever having a bad day, remember you have people who love you and they all love you for reasons you're probably overlooking.

No matter your weight, the size of your nose, the number of freckles on your cheeks, the size of your jeans, the number in your bank account, what you ate for dinner, or what you're planning on eating this holiday season, someone sees your true colours even if you might not. Your true colours are beautiful and you should let them show!

best pop album.

2010-11-27T16:32:00.001-05:00

Stripped - Christina Aguilera.

hunger: the drive to fill our stomachs fast vs. the drive to stay healthy at the cost of our economy

2010-11-27T10:31:00.005-05:00

Food has been turned into a commodity. We can identify the food we eat by the brand it bears as we can determine the difference between Nike and Reebok. For example, McDonald’s tells us to eat Chicken McNuggets without thinking about the power the corporation has over how the food they sell is produced. We are told we are loving it because we have become so familiar with the brand, and not the way the food is made.

We can either produce food naturally, but gain little profit, or modify it through quick production to increase surplus value. How is eating a garden salad in the winter possible when tomatoes and carrots are only grown naturally in warmth and sunlight? Supermarkets sell tomatoes all year round. Grocery-store-seasons do not exist. When we buy that tomato on that chilly February day, we are consuming an idea of a tomato that has been produced with the help of fossil fuels and ripened by the care of chemicals.

When production is modified, food can also make some of us fatally ill. Health problems include high cholesterol, type two diabetes, e-coli, obesity, salmonella, and food poisoning. The film Food Inc. outlines the story of a young boy who went from healthy to dead in twelve days, as a result of e-coli, after consuming hamburger meat.
We have commodified the way we eat to produce food faster, cheaper, and larger. No matter the amount of people who become ill or die from health complications as a result of poorly produced food, the profit multinational corporations make at the cost of cheap food production, and our health, is apparently worth it. According to investigative journalist Michael Pollan, this is “Our national eating disorder.”

Pollan’s book, “the Omnivore’s Dilemma,” explains the way we eat from the first point of production to when we purchase food in store. Pollan asks one question: “What should we eat for dinner?” We ask this question, or a similar one, three times a day. However, the consummativity of food production is dependent on the rate of time to complete such production. We’re all busy people. It’s easier for us to chow down on a hamburger from McDonald’s than to go to the grocery store, pick up what we want to eat in the organic produce isle, come home, cook it, and then eat it. The rate of time in each of these examples is why we often choose McDonald’s over food we can prepare on our own time.

McDonald’s and other companies give us hungry consumers what we want. As well, grocery stores fill almost three-quarters of their shelves with genetically modified food because it is cheap and easy to produce. If it keeps us full and we don’t ask any questions other than “What should I eat, tonight?” then food production companies will continue to fill us with food that may eventually put the human species, if it has not already done so, at risk.

In the documentary Food Inc., a Hispanic family troubled with poor income, a father with type two diabetes, and the dilemma of what to eat has put their health and financial status at risk. The mother and wife said her husband’s medical bills are approximately $300.00 every time he needs a new prescription. Thus, the family is faced with this question: do we pay $1.29 for a pound of broccoli, or buy three bags of Lays potato chips for the same (if not lesser) price in order to have enough money to afford medication? This same family is also on the run, like many of us are, and often stop in to grab a hamburger at a fast food chain. It is cheap. It is fast. But, it is poorly produced.

Also in Pollan’s book, he discusses the production of the sole food we produce too much of for a cheap money cost, but for a social expense we might never surplus. It is disguised as a healthy, glowing, golden-yellow vegetable on the three-acre land next to the peaceful country road up north. This golden veggie, corn, is used to feed the cow that becomes our beefy hamburger (Pollan 18). It fills the stomachs of the pigs, the turkeys, the lambs, and even the salmon we enjoy to devour with fork and knife (Pollan 18). However, some of these animals are not naturally designed to eat corn.

The problem? As seen in Food Inc., chicken grow-ops, for example, congest thousands of chickens into a dark area where they spend their entire lives in their own, and their peers’, feces, bacteria, and disease. Another problem? Even if those chickens are sick, we still end up eating them for dinner with a side of potatoes. Why so many chickens in the first place? Well, we have corn mountains all over North America, and we need to use all the corn up, somehow.

Grocery stores put Pepsi on sale to make you think it’s cheap. Until, you realize you’ve just consumed an entire litre (or more) of corn syrup. Even those scrumptious Chicken McNuggets aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Sure, those chickens used for those golden corn-filled nuggets first came into the world from an egg. However, right after they are born, those chicks are fed corn. If that corn isn’t enough, there’s even more in the production of the actual nugget.

…The modified corn starch that glues the thing together, the corn flour on the batter that coats it, and the corn oil in which it gets fried. Much less obviously, the leavenings and lecithin, the mono-, di-, and triglycerides, the attractive golden colouring, and even the citric acid that keeps the nugget “fresh” can all be derived from corn, (Pollan18).

Even fuel that keeps our cars going, and transports corn from the field to the pig-feed comes from corn. We have so much of the stuff and yet the more we use, the more we produce. The more we produce, the more we use. And, the more we produce and use, the more we hurt the environment and our health.

How can we trust such poorly produced food to give us the nutrition that we need to live and to function? Well, we can’t unless we make like Pollan and disclose how the food we eat is produced. Most of us just assume all food is healthy; we need it to live and it fills our stomachs. Why would all food not be healthy?

We consumers like our privacy and having these processed foods individually wrapped, with either plastic or paper, protect us from anything that would make eating the foods seem repulsive. Essentially, we are veiled from the truth of production in the food industry when the products we fill our bellies with are wrapped and individually protected.

I loved everything about fast food, the individual portions all wrapped up like presents (not having to share with my three sisters was a big part of the appeal; fast food was private property at its best); the familiar meaty perfume of the French fries filling the car; and the pleasingly sequenced bite into a burger—the soft, sweet roll, the crunchy pickle, the savory moistness of the meat, (Pollan 111).

Food Inc. agrees and suggests even though we sometimes choose alternatives to fast food, buying imported chicken breast or beef from our grocer does not protect us from fast food production. Nowadays, everything is made fast.

The industrial eater, of which we have all become, is promised by the food industry that certain products are natural. However, we are later deceived when we learn that “‘natural raspberry flavour’ doesn’t mean the flavour came from a raspberry; it may well have been derived from corn, just not something synthetic,” (Pollan 98).

Food production companies have also made a new type of cornstarch that cannot be digested by human stomachs (Pollan 98). So, when we consume such cornstarch, “it slips through the digestive tract without ever turning into calories or glucose…” (Pollan 99). The ultimate goal for production companies is to make whole meals that hungry consumers will eat as much as they want of and as many times as they want, in hopes of increasing profit for the company by telling the consumer that the food will leave no trace on their waistline. We are essentially promised, and then later deceived, by the food industry, that we will become “utterly elastic” (Pollan 99). Come on, food industry; not everyone can stay a size six.

The good thing about all of this is that we are the ones paying for our food. So, vote for what you want to eat with the power of your dollar. Instead of paying $4.99 for ten Chicken McNuggets on your way home from work, put some thought into your supper and pop into the grocery store where you can pick up something organic or locally grown. Even better, find a local Farmer’s Market!

Food Inc. makes the argument to “vote with our dollar.” However, as good as it sounds, it is sometimes not so easy. Like in the earlier example I gave about the Hispanic family debating over money being spent on medication or broccoli, there are a number of people who may not be able to afford healthier, organic, and/or locally grown food. Thus, this would explain why in Food Inc. it is claimed that the relationship between poverty and obesity is not just a coincidence.

Voting with your dollar could reduce greenhouse gas emissions by reducing the number of trains, cars, and trucks transporting food products (like corn) to and from the farm. Spending money wisely could improve the habitats of animals, being produced for our consumption, on the farm. Voting with your dollar could also decrease the rate at which people are being infected by poorly produced food. However, healthier, organic, and/or locally grown food is more expensive for a reason. It is not produced like the cheaper, faster, and largely produced food products are. A weakness of voting with your dollar is that not everyone can do it.

I think consumers do have the potential to an effective vote. However, the drawback on potential change is that the bottom line will always be money. I recently spoke to my father, who ironically owns some land north of Toronto where a farmer grows corn for his cattle, and asked what he thought about the entire food production process. Prior to me asking, he had given me a percentage of the money he earned in being owner of such land. He answered my question saying, “It is unfortunate, but it is also where your $100.00 came from.” A few weeks after this incident, I learned that my parents purchased another piece of land next door to the cornfield they also own. I said to my mother, grabbing the excess fat on my waistline, “Thanks to people like you, this chub is not going anywhere.” Truth be told, however, food production and consumption is every single person’s responsibility. If we want change, we have to do it together.

Works Cited

Kenner, Robert, Dir. Food Inc. Magnolia Pictures: 2009, Film.

Pollan, Michael. The Omnivore's Dilemma. The Penguin
Press, 2006. Print.

(THIS IS AN ESSAY I WROTE FOR MY SOCIOLOGY OF CONSUMPTION CLASS)

interesting flow of vocabulary you've got there, sir!

2010-11-27T10:21:00.002-05:00

I spent my evening last night at my kitchen table beside my partner studying for a test I have coming up. I had all of my notes before me as my pen in hand scribbled and re-wrote key words, definitions, and the like. My partner, however, determined to make it seem as though he was distracted by me, was glued to his web browser.

I was already well on my studying way when he said, "Before I begin, I am going to check my Facebook. It's just something I always have to do."

I said nothing. I did, however, let a grin appear on my face.

Interestingly enough, my partner was (and is) against the idea of the Reconnect--an attempt to disconnect from our virtual habits to rekindle our real, physical lives outside the realm of the Internet. He thinks it's irrelevant because social networking and various social media are in and we should just embrace it, no questions asked.

Later yesterday night, my partner and I decided to take a study break and make our way to a nearby coffee shop. Hot chocolate touched my lips and cookies crumbled just in time for an interesting conversation about how I am passionate and want to make changes but my partner, on the complete other side of the spectrum, is a passive elitist who just lets things go as they please, unless of course it has to do with him personally (with which he will then rant about how he is better and how there is better out there than what is before him).

The catch? I'll make changes to those that I may not agree with. For starters, look at the Reconnect! My partner, on the other hand, will run away from the problem and find a place where these problems do not exist, or do not appear to exist.

Nothing is wrong with either characteristic, as they are just that. Yet, what really got me about this entire conversation was that my partner criticized the Reconnect because it puts barriers on the abuse of social media. Yet, what is he willing to do about the extensive use of social media that has consumed a many of our lives? Nothing.

And that, readers, is the issue.

We cannot let things pass us by as we drown in to-do lists with nothing ever being checked off as complete just because it is a major trend. We cannot let social media define us.

What are you going to do to make a change?

The first thing you could do is e-mail the Reconnect: disconnect2reconnect@gmail.com

smile.

2010-11-26T17:52:00.000-05:00

I am so happy right now. I'm in theee best mood.

what's my name?

2010-11-23T22:42:00.001-05:00

Today I pulled the ultimate nerd. I got to school 2 hours and 45 minutes before my class started and I sat in the cafe at my school and did homework. Then, my class ended 1 hour earlier than expected and I had a decent break before I started work so I went back to the cafe and did more homework.

In the midst of the hustle and bustle, I have been listening to "What's My Name" by Rihanna and Drake over and over again. Oh my goodness. Obsessed. Like, obsessed to the level of obsession I had when "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga was the number one song.

Oh na na, what's my name?

lights, camera, exhaustion.

2010-11-16T17:39:00.002-05:00

My legs are crossed, I'm seated on a spinny chair, my hair is in a hipster bun, and I am freezing cold. That, my friends, is a sign of exhaustion.

Today was a big day, and it was only pretend. By this I am referring to the mock-newscast I, and the other students in my Broadcast Techniques class, put on. I suppose it's kind of late to be putting on a newscast for only the first time--since I am in third year. However, my program is Media Studies with an emphasis in Journalism so we do things a little bit differently.

I arrived at school at 8:00am this morning. Luckily, one of my friends from school let me sleep over last night. Thank goodness for her or else I'd seriously be a zombie right now. If it weren't for my friend, I'd have had to wake up at 5am. I realize that's not a big deal for some people, but I can't function on under 8 hours of sleep. And trust me, today was not a good day for malfunctioning (though my 8 hour sleep didn't really prevent this).

Myself and another classmate (who was my producer for today and is also my friend) were responsible for going out on the field and covering an entertainment story. The big news in entertainment today included England's Prince William's engagement and Harry Potter hype. We covered Harry Potter.

By 9:19am, my producer and I were in front of the Rainbow Cinemas (the ghetto movie theatre) down the street from my school. Thanks to another member of our class, who had access to a car, we didn't have to bus it to the theatre. It's located in the Woodbine Centre--a north Etobicoke mall. Let's just say, there are never many people around.

We didn't have much to shoot, considering the movie theatre and majority of the shops within the centre were closed until 10am. But, we got what we could. That included a few shots of the one "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1" poster outside of the theatre. The lighting wasn't horrible, but the "Rainbow Cinemas" sign wasn't alight and the area needed some tumbleweed.

We did our best--we even managed to get a set-up shot of me reporting in front of the camera--all in good time! Until we were met by a little friend I'd like to call the rent-a-cop, also known as mall security. The hefty fellow approached me and asked, "Excuse me, are you from Humber College?" I answered, "Yes," just to avoid having to explain the difference between the University of Guelph-Humber and Humber College. He continued, "You need to get permission from admissions."

I left to go find admissions but had no luck. Then, my producer found a lady who he had been told was who we were to seek permission from. She essentially told him she had no time for him and that we were going to wait for her to return.

We packed up and left. We missed the shuttle bus that could have taken us back to our school and we decided to walk. My producer, being such a gentleman, carried the tripod in one hand and the camera in the other. I was carrying my 50lb school bag. Why I brought this with me, I don't know. It seemed like a good idea when we left earlier this morning.

On our way back to school, my producer and I managed to do our streeters. Streeters are on-the-spot interviews with randoms on the street. We got a few, but we were pressed for time. Apparently, we missed our first deadline, which resulted in some snappy responses from producers and professors alike. However, we didn't miss the most important deadline; handing in our tape.

With help from "the Deathly Hallows'" trailer and my producer's fantastic editing skills, we pulled off the story. If we had been more organized, the completed project could have been 10x better. However, the next time we do a newscast (and there will be plenty more), we're going to plan ahead.

Hand in hand with our hearts pumping out of our chests, my producer and I stood waiting for our report to go to air. When the story ended, our day ended in the happiest embrace of all; we did it.

I realize in 10 years from now I'll probably laugh at this blog post and thinking to myself, "You missed a deadline? You were upset about some snarky remarks? You were irritated because you had to walk back to campus? If only you knew the real media world!" But, the good thing is that I learned something today, despite how crazy I was going. I mean, I was taking pretty deep breaths.

In; two, three, four....Out; two, three, four...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

2010-11-14T20:00:00.000-05:00

... TO ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE I'VE EVER MET. LOVE YOU! :)

gala.

2010-11-13T09:16:00.000-05:00

I had my high heels on and my black mini-skirt! It cost $45.00 for my ticket and a cheap $20.00 for my outfit. In case you didn't know, I'm a bargain hunter. But, there I was getting ready for a night out; something I hadn't experienced in a while. It was really sweaty in the room my friends and I were getting ready in. Girls were sharing mirrors, hair straighteners and curling irons were plugged into every outlet, and makeup brushes, mascara, and MAC lipsticks were coming out of every corner. Hairspray, hair serum, and moose all left residue in the stuffy air. Photos were being shot, ladies were putting on their heals, and one bronzer brush applied the last darkened skin-tone to faces. The boys waited patiently, eating subway, watching Video on Trial, and getting ready at the last second.

After we got ready, we departed.

Last night I went to the Guelph-Humber Student's Association Gala and had a blast and a half. It was so good to hang out with friends, see my roomie from last year (whom I love so much), and also be on the arm of the one, and the only, boyfriend :) He doesn't really like dancing, but that's okay. He did come and dance with me. In fact, during two songs he came up to me and surprised me by taking my hand on the dance floor (in one instance, I wasn't expecting him. When he went into kiss my cheek, I turned around and smacked my eye right into his nose; cute right?).

I don't have Facebook anymore, thanks to The Reconnect so I can't upload photos for all of my friends to see. But, I've selected the pictures I want everyone to see and I've posted them on my Tumblr. For a link to the exact post, click here.

nameless.

2010-11-07T16:33:00.000-05:00

Someone by the name of Anonymous commented on my post entitled "You are legitimately sick in the head." Their comment read:

"firstly, you don't seem too educated about politics. Conservatives endorse war. You can't just say 'the conservative government is responsible' because quite frankly even if the liberals were in power right now the same thing would be happening. secondly, you're in media studies you should know that the media has its own political agenda. The media is the only tool uneducated people have in gaining information, if I knew I had that much power over stupid people I'd milk it a little bit too. As for finding jobs? I'm pretty sure McDonalds is hiring."

Dear Anonymous,

I appreciate the fact that you've read my post and taken the time to comment. However, I don't appreciate you telling me that essentially the only job I am going to be getting is at McDonald's. Next time you stoop that low, I'd really like to know your first name. Being nameless and making such accusations does not give you much power.

As for politics, I was just commenting. This is my personal blog and I am aware that not everyone will agree with my perspectives. And yes, you're right, I'm not an expert in politics, but that does not mean I can't have an opinion after reading an article in the newspaper (just as you have taken the time to comment on a post I've published here).

To each is own. We all have our own opinions. The only difference is that I'm not ashamed of putting my name down after expressing them.

shop til you drop.

2010-11-07T10:05:00.000-05:00

I just remembered I have gift certificates from my birthday to Forever X1 and Costa Blanca and I really want to spend money that isn't my own. I sound selfish. Sorry.

I've just been spending so much money lately. From paying for insurance to the gala at my school coming up, I'm spending more money than I'm used to. I work a lot so I know it won't hurt me too much, but the idea of swiping a card that will have absolutely no affect on my financial status after the balance reaches zero is fantastic.

I creeped the Forever XI website this morning and there are so many cute over sized sweaters that I'd like to call my own.

I don't know if I'm going shopping but life without Facebook (thanks to the Reconnect) has allowed me to actually be productive. The only thing I've left to do today is read some more of a book for school. However, I've only got 50 or so pages left. I'm proud.

Time to shop. BRB...

you are legitimately sick in the head.

2010-11-06T09:42:00.002-04:00

First on the docket; the Conservative Government of Canada. What ~~the hell~~ is wrong with you? According to the Toronto Star, the Conservatives are responsible for hiding the truth about injured (both psychologically and physically) Canadian soldiers who have come home from fighting the war in the Middle East. However, there isn't only a handful of soldiers who have come home physically and mentally injured. There are (potentially over) 1500 wounded soldiers who have come back to Canada after giving their mental health or two arms and a leg for their country.

You'd think these patriotic fighters would receive a little bit of honour, wouldn't you? Well, they haven't. They've been completely hidden until now; until the media figured out that there was more truth behind the wars in the Middle East than the Canadian government would let on.

Even worse - these wounded soldiers are having trouble finding jobs. What is this country coming to? Just because a man or a woman fights for their country overseas, or anywhere for that matter, does not mean that they have served their entire life's purpose when they come home hurt. It does not mean that they are useless to Canada when they return home, whatsoever.

So, why has the Canadian government decided to keep all of this on the down-low? I'm not quite sure. But, in the next Federal election if there are no changes to this sick plot, I'm not voting for anyone.

Second; Elaine Campione - mother who has been accused of drowning her two daughters to get back at her ex-husband in a custody war. Her defence has deemed Campione "mentally ill" and thus unable to correctly understand the effects that drowning her two children would have on their life and her own.

What would drive someone to drown their own daughters? Well, according to this case, a woman who fears her loss in custody of her children to her lying husband.

The night Campione was said to have drowned her children, she took the first child into the tub and put her head under water until the young girl's life was taken. When it was time for her second child's bath, Campione went after her other daughter only to find her own daughter's fear of taking a bath that night. Fear of her mother. Fear of what would come. Fear of the water which would be the last substance her skin would touch.

Campione later accused her second daughter of killing her first child, saying she somehow remembered this scene in her head. The Star's Rosie DiManno reported that this was either a result of Campione's insanity or a movie scene Campione may vaguely remember.

There's something wrong with this world, I tell you. But, something about the strangeness this world contains makes me want to start reporting and investigating stories like these ones. Call me crazy or a news junkie, but dangerous, scheming, investigative stories have always made me curious.

chanson.

2010-11-04T23:01:00.003-04:00

"RUN" BY SNOW PATROL = LIFE.

brain vomit.

2010-11-03T22:41:00.000-04:00

I'm reading about Robert Pickton. So interesting and so disturbing at the same time.

wind.

2010-11-03T22:38:00.000-04:00

Inside, she's complex. Her brown hair, hazel eyes, and black boots may sell confidence on the outside. But, on the inside she's freckles and sneakers; still trying things out, still trying to remember which foot to put forward, and still trying to find the hair style that looks just right. She's scared too; scared of doing anything that might disappoint her future and of upsetting the people who care about her most, scared that maybe love isn't always enough.

"I wish I could just please everyone," she often thinks. Then other times she's the devil on her shoulder; "don't let everyone get to you. You can't please them all."

Short skirt and up do, she feels flawless. Yet, with one insecurity there are always two more. It's a never ending fork in the road and that's life; uncertainty, dismay, and darkness just as much as there is happy on Friday and Saturday.

She's like the days of the week, I suppose. A different feeling for each one yet still trying to configure a feeling that she can call her own; not Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. Nor, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. A day that is everyday; of confidence, hope, and fearlessness.

falling short.

2010-11-03T12:18:00.002-04:00

I always talk about how much of a horrible critic I am of myself and I thought for a brief second last week that my criticism stopped. But, hey, it didn't.

Last night I started making up problems. Do you ever do this? There I was, sitting on the carpet in my room drinking tea and reading articles for class tomorrow when I started thinking that I'd been rude to some of my friends and my family. I started thinking that I'm so self-centred and that all I care about is my schoolwork, my future, and my health. Me. Me. Me. It got to the point where I messaged my room mate from last year and said "Oh, sorry if I'm being rude. My mind is racing a mile a minute and I feel like I'm being mean to everyone I talk to."

With that being said, I also feel like I'm in this huge hurricane of problems. But that's the thing - I'm just there. Things are thrusting their way into my face and they are either saying "LISTEN TO ME" or "FINISH ME" and I'm just doing things without even thinking. I'm on task. I'm motivated. But, I feel as though I'm not really thinking nor putting as much effort as I could in everything. Yet, even as I type that nervously, I keep thinking "You're crazy. You put so much effort into everything you do."

I think I'm just confused.

Confused? Falling short? I don't know. All I do know is that I got to school today at 8:30am and I'm here until 9:00pm, tonight. I was supposed to go to pub with some girlfriends after work tonight, but yet another thing made its way into the picture so now I can't go.

Forgive me for this poorly thought out post.
I had to vent.

question from the reconnect!

2010-10-28T23:36:00.001-04:00

OF ALL OF THE THINGS YOU DID/DO ON FACEBOOK, WHICH IS THE ONE THAT SEEMS MOST POINTLESS?

WHICH IS THE ONE THAT SEEMS MOST REASONABLE?

WHICH IS THE ONE YOU CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT?

(http://disconnect2reconnect.tumblr.com/)

dear life.

2010-10-21T23:31:00.001-04:00

Slow down. You're rushing and racing and moving in circles. Spinning so fast I'm forgetting my purpose. Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning, getting nowhere.

Life. What have you turned into? A jumble of to-do lists, study notes, reports, essays, midterms, and websites that consume every single second of my time? I thought I'd be complaining but as I reach the end of my midterm exam period for my third year of post-secondary education, I've finally found time to breathe. Somehow, I have found this moment to lay in my bed, laptop in hand, typing out a blog post that is not about a crappy day or a bad professor, but about everything that is good.

Two days ago I wanted to scream at you, life. You had me teaching myself about law. You had me cramming for a sociology midterm. And, you had me praying I got a decent mark on an assignment.

Life, you had me scared of failure because I feared I had taken on too much. Well, I didn't take on too much. I've somehow learned how to take everything that has been thrown in my direction and divide them into daily tasks (thank you, daily planner, for making my life 15x easier).

Sure, in the past few days I have experienced the wrath of degrading professors, smelly people on the bus, and stress so bad even the skin on the part of my legs behind my knees is dry, but these humps and bumps have only made me realize that I want nothing more than to succeed. I want nothing more than to try my best. It'd be nice to prove those generation-stereotyping professors, smelly people, and dry knees wrong one day, and I plan on doing so. But, right now, I'm just enjoying the journey I am on.

As pleasant as this sounds, I am not afraid of unleashing some edge should someone stand in my way.

I M P O R T A N T !

2010-10-18T21:37:00.002-04:00

FOLLOW THIS TUMBLR. K THANKS. MUCH LOVE.

ahhhhhh.

2010-10-17T09:49:00.000-04:00

So I had a pretty good feeling that one of my profs, who likes to send rando assignments at the last minute, wouldn't do so this week because he understands students in third year journalism barely have time to freaking pee. But, oh hell no...

I woke up this morning with a mother effing assignment from the greatest man in the world. At least, I think it's an assignment?! The e-mail was probs over 1000 words and made little sense, whatsoever. So I e-mailed my prof explaining that I have four midterms in the next eight days and would have reaaally appreciated it if he would assign shit in class so:

a) I wouldn't be pulling my hair out, ever,
b) I can regain some of the time management skills I once had, but this class has taken from me, and
c) I could ask him questions about his stupid assignments, which have no relevance to journalism, face to face.

I'm going to go study for law now, from my 89 cue cards.

Death.

one simple thing can change a mood.

2010-10-16T19:41:00.000-04:00

Boy: Did you know that one of my underlying reasons of wanting to be so succesful is you?

Me: Why?

Boy: Because you deserve the world.

a+ttitude.

2010-10-16T19:18:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wish I had that "f**k the insignificant" attitude 24/7.

keep holding on?

2010-10-16T19:10:00.000-04:00

Another day is close to its end.

I can't believe I'm saying that and it's before 7:00pm on a Saturday night. My stress hasn't really disintegrated within the past few days. My time's been spent preparing for my midterms this week, even though it feels as though nothing is sinking in my brain, working, and trying to take time for myself. Except, every time I try and take some time to myself, I start feeling anxiety. This morning, it got to the point where I was in my room, about to study for my law exam, choking back tears. And for what reason? I tell myself it's my course-load. Everyone else tells me it's because I work too much and I don't take enough breaks.

I agree with the breaks part. But, the working too much part I can't really process. I spoke to my boss (who's awesome in every way) this week and he completely understood the stress I was under and agreed to lessen my hours for this week and next. In a meeting we had yesterday, my boss suggested that everyone look over their schedules and find out what days we might want to take off from now until the end of the semester. I did that the second I got home and I felt better for a split second. That second came to a quick end after I sent an e-mail to my boss explaining that I might be needing two more four hour shifts off (from now until December). I started telling myself that I was giving up, that I wasn't keeping any of my commitments, and that I am basically a failure because I can't even manage my life as a third year Media Studies student.

After this perplexity, I went out to see "the Social Network" with my boyfriend. The beginning of the night was going well, until I started thinking about the so-called problems I have with time and everything I need to get done within it. Then when I got home, I started texting my boyfriend about what I was feeling and hoping that he'd say something comforting like "Don't worry, you'll be okay. You're so smart." But, instead, he basically said I need to rethink everything I've taken onto my plate.

It pissed me off.

I guess he has every right to say that because he's just being honest. Yet, you know when you just want one person to be on the same page as you? And, when that one person isn't on the same page as you, your world starts fumbling? Well that was me last night at 1am.

I passed out shortly after and woke up finding myself feeling a little bit better until I realized it was 7:30am and I had forgotten to turn off my alarm. I sucked it up and got out of bed. Eventually I started studying.

That leads me to where I am right now: happy that I've managed to re-write all of my law notes one more time and read them over twice. I know it doesn't seem like much but it took me the entire day. I've made cue cards and everything! Yes, there are tonnes of cue cards but I was proud of them. Until, I voiced that I had so many cue cards to review. The response I received went something like, "You're the one that made them. Don't complain."

I'm not really much of a complainer, even though my recent blog posts have been sheer signals of a complainer in the making. But, when I hear the odd "You did this to yourself" advice, or feel it in any way, I get a little emotional.

I know life isn't supposed to be easy. I CLEARLY experience that exact fact almost every day of my life. I think we all do. So, why on earth do people have to be so damn sweet when I reach out to them for some comfort? I wish I knew.

fail.

2010-10-14T21:38:00.001-04:00

My law exam is stressing me out so much. We've had three classes and my midterm is in less than a week. Yet, we've had only an introductory lesson, a guest speaker, and a class filled with presentations.

Apparently that is equal to six chapters in the textbook? Not to mention, my professor doesn't teach. She rambles and talks to us like we've all been to law school. I've never heard of Dagenais until this course, however, my professor brought the case up on the first day of classes like all the students in my class have read novels about it.

I also have two other tests next week. One in my Web Design class and another in my Sociology elective. They shouldn't be too bad because I roughly understand everything that's been discussed in the lectures, but I'm still really freaked out

I haven't slept properly lately. The thought of sleeping is amazing but the moment I lay my head down to rest, I psych myself out because of all the studying I have to do.

I probably wouldn't be so anxious and nervous if I had time to work out and do yoga. Butttt, no, thanks to school my life has officially been yanked away from me.

Just gonna point out that I haven't seen my boyfriend in over a week. The last time I saw him was when he drove me home last Wednesday. I just want a damn hug.

So overwhelmed.

Gotta go study now, because nothing is registering in my brain.

I need a coffee and I don't even drink the stuff.

[WOW - just read this over. Don't mind my horrific grammar and punctuation.]

dear blue menu and special k.

2010-10-13T16:50:00.000-04:00

Thanks for making pretzels and delicious snacks so when I do school work all day, I can eat and not feel unhealthy.

Love you.

back at it again.

2010-10-11T09:17:00.000-04:00

Morning comes way too quickly when the next day brings more school work.

I wish I had time to blog more, but I seriously barely have time to sleep.

PS. Thanks Ashlee, love you! Good luck with all this insanity. See you tomorrow xo.

ew.

2010-10-10T23:34:00.000-04:00

Oh and PS, I haven't worked out all week.

Somehow I lost three pounds?!

I still feel like a ball of lard.

Loving my leggings, though.

They don't make me feel so chubby.

crazy.

2010-10-10T23:21:00.001-04:00

I've spent every waking moment of this long weekend doing school work. When I'm not making midterm notes, doing assignments, doing readings, or doing anything else that school requires me to do, I've been eating turkey.

I realize the eating turkey bit is really fantastic but the school work part is making my head spin.

I have had a headache all day because of the stress I'm under. I guess every one's dealing with it and I probably should be trying to focus on the positive instead of writing a rant about it but I needed a break...

Friday morning, I woke up early to do homework. Afterwards, I went to work. When I got home, I went out for dinner with my girlfriends for my birthday.

Saturday morning, I woke up early to do homework. I planned on doing midterm notes all day but I have this "great" professor who assigns random crap at the last minute. Guess what? He assigned another random assignment at the last minute. So, instead of Saturday being a study day, I spent it doing research and writing a column about Federal politics.

Saturday night, which I could have spent at a Toronto Maple Leaf's game, was actually spent doing the midterm notes I wanted to do during the day.

Then, this morning I woke up to finish those midterm notes. I then took a break to eat turkey. After my Thanksgiving dinner (part one), I continued doing midterm notes for one of my other classes.

Now, I've started looking over drafts of assignments that are due this week.

To take a break from all this work, I watched Glee last night. I'm finally caught up on it! However, it's gotten to the point where taking an hour break has me thinking "Crap, that's an hour I could've used to do this, and this, and this for school."

Not to mention...I have noooo time during the week to do school work. When I do, I start at 8pm and go until 1am. So, I get a good 5 hours in there every other night and I never go to sleep without doing something for school on the other evenings, but work and commuting and school work is making me c r a a a a z a y y y y.

For example - tonight my phone was vibrating and I had to turn it off because the sound was making me sick?!

I'm done for today, though. When tomorrow comes, I'll tackle this school work again (before my second turkey dinner).

It's gonna be a crazy year. Help.

thanskgiving.

2010-10-10T18:50:00.001-04:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just finished my first Thanksgiving dinner with family. Round two is tomorrow.

Gotta love that turkey!

Off to do more homework - it's sort of consuming my life.

Love yous.

PS - anyone watch the latest episode of Glee? I finally watched it last night and cried my eyes out. I love Kurt and the fact that he sang "I Want to Hold Your Hand." Fav. song eva.

It's my birthday.

2010-10-03T15:45:00.000-04:00

I turn twenty today.

I'm officially an adult.

Anyways, just thought I'd post to share that I AM actually still alive (just so busy).

Much love.

Off to celebrate.

follow, follow, follow!

2010-09-27T15:15:00.001-04:00

Hey everyone,

For a school assignment, my Web Design class is in the process of trying to make a blog go VIRAL. That means, we need your help.

If you could visit our blog, follow it, encourage others to follow it, and spread the word, I'll love you forever.

Here's the URL: http://gh3080.tumblr.com/

Thanks!

sick!

2010-09-26T17:10:00.000-04:00

Week four of school starts tomorrow. It's getting busy but I'm managing. I am, unfortunately, sick as a dog. I've been freezing cold all day. My sinuses are blocked completely. This afternoon, the only thing I could actually do was lay on my bed and watch Gossip Girl and Glee.

I've been drinking tonnes of fluids all day to try and kick this cold out of me but I don't see any immediate signs of getting better before I start work tomorrow.

I've eaten chicken broth, crackers, and fruit all day.

Score for no appetite. It sucks not having any taste buds.

what gets me by.

2010-09-19T18:58:00.000-04:00

and Mint-Green Tea from Tetley.

Love.

time.

2010-09-12T22:03:00.001-04:00

What better way to start the second week of school than to write a little bit about my first week? That's right, tomorrow starts week two of my first semester of third year. Where did the time go? If I knew, I would have made it last a little longer. However, time has a mind of its own. Before the clock tics any further (and I shorten my anticipated sleep), here's a little update:

Week one at school was different. I've started commuting this year. Commuting isn't bad. I don't mind taking the bus and I don't mind the forty-five minutes of relaxation it gives me, either. However, I did not enjoy Friday when it took me about THREE hours to get home. I finished work around 3:00pm so I made my way over to the bus stop. From 3:15pm until 3:54pm I was waiting for the bus. Normally, it comes every ten minutes. I guess on Friday it decided otherwise. At 3:55pm a total of three, not one or two, buses came at the exact same time! I got on the bus and made my way over to the station.

I, of course, could not get to the station without some frustration, though. Fifteen or so minutes from the station, the bus decided to short-turn. That means, I had to get off the bus and wait for another bus to take me to the station. Once that was all said and done, I arrived at the station around 5:00pm. Then, I got on another bus from the station to the bus terminal near my house. The first bus that came, however, was bypassing the terminal. So, I had to wait for the next bus. By the time I got to the terminal, it was about 5:20pm. Then, I had to wait for one final bus to take me home. According to the time displayed at the terminal, the bus was to have arrived in twelve minutes. It actually arrived in thirty. I got home at 6:15pm on Friday.

All I have to say is this; thank goodness my parents pick me up from the station most days.

I've also started a new job for this year. I'm going to be working as a Learning Support Peer (which is pretty much a Student Ambassador). This job allows me to be on campus and interacting with students and faculty. I'm loving it so far! Alongside working as an LSP, I'm continuing my START position. Hours start this week for START. Hopefully I can cope with paid work and school work.

Speaking of school work... Things are getting crazy already! As excited as I am for this year, I'm nervous that with commuting, paid work, and school work, I'm going to run out of time.

Only time will tell whether or not I can make it through. However, the secondhand doesn't stop ticking for anything or anyone so I guess I should take that as advice. As time goes on, so will I (like an energizer bunny).

so long sweet summer.

2010-09-03T23:50:00.000-04:00

I realize I haven't written a post in ages and I'm very sorry about that. However, I have good reasoning. I've been busy. Number one, I finally got my G2. Hip, hip, hooray! I went for my test last week and failed but then today, I went to the drivetest centre really early and waited for a cancellation. Lucky for me, I drove well and had a really nice Santa like examiner. I passed. Watch out world, I'm on the roads. Don't worry, I'm a great driver.

Number two, I worked at my school's Orientation. I had so much fun and I am still recovering from the long hours I put in. I also sort of strained my voice. It's a little raspy from all the cheering.

Number three, I've done some more fall shopping. I have been spending a lot of money but it's all going towards something I need -- school supplies, clothes, and other things I need for school. All that's left is to buy my metropass!

Number four, I've lost another two pounds. I don't really see it on me but I've reached my goal weight of 135lbs. I'm proud of myself! For the school year, my goal is to keep my weight at 135lbs but, to also try, to tone more muscle and potentially get to 130lbs. However, if I don't, I won't beat myself up.

Number five, I've been busy preparing for tonight. Tonight was my best friend Cassandra's goodbye dinner. She is moving back to school tomorrow for the year. Though I'll see her at Thanksgiving, I don't want to wait that long. I feel as though this summer has been really important. Everything that needed to be said, was said. Everything that needed to change, was changed. And, most importantly, every goal that was set was achieved. My bestie lost over thirty pounds this summer. I can't even begin to explain how proud I am of her. It's because of Cass that I became so motivated to lose weight and reach a healthy mass body index. It's because of Cass that I never gave up on small goals for myself, like applying for jobs for the school year and finally getting my g2. It's because of Cass that this summer really meant the world to me.

I think that this summer has been the greatest one of them all. Even though there were some blowups and more than enough tears, there were also plenty of great memories and photographs to remember the past few months by. I've never felt closer to Cass and my other girlfriends than I do right now. As sad as I am to say goodbye to this summer, I'm extremely content with the course this summer chose to take. I know that the good path this summer has left us all on will lead us into greater things during the school year!

I cannot believe another summer has come and gone.

So long, so long.

forever 21 wish list (yeah, every top I want shares the same colour scheme...I know).

2010-08-18T22:15:00.000-04:00

omd is right. new gossip girl sneak peek.

2010-08-17T22:46:00.002-04:00

happy.

2010-08-17T22:24:00.000-04:00

Besides the fact that I pulled a muscle in my thigh dancing at work either yesterday or today, I am in a really good mood. After dinner tonight, my mom and I went shopping. I need a lot of clothes for school and by that I mean tonnes of fall clothes that are comfy, nice, and age appropriate. I find that I always buy clothes that make me look 17 instead of almost 20. So, tonight I hit the mall with my mom and picked up some really sweet finds.

First, I bought a really pretty turquoise blouse from Old Navy. Though it is a blouse, the top is still fun and young! I don't normally shop at Old Navy but I figured I'd give it a shot since their fall clothes always seem really cute.

Second, I got an awesome white boyfriend cardigan from Old Navy for only $15.00! Then, I got a pair of Old Navy jeans for $20.00. To my surprise, I fit into a size 6!! I never thought I'd see the day. Though I wouldn't wear just a t-shirt with these jeans (since my stomach still has a bit of extra love), I do feel confident in them. Plus, once I start school, I plan on using the gym on campus and taking advantage of the fitness classes available.

After my Old Navy blow-out, I made my way over to Suzy Shier to meet my mom, who was looking for some work clothes. I ended up finding a really cute gray fall jacket for only $20.00! Score and a half.

Then, I went to H&M and got a cute gray sweater! It will go great with a pair of tights or skinny jeans on a day where I feel like being fashionable but really comfy at the same time.

I even got some tights, tonight. I got two black pairs for under $14.00 total!

I feel really good about the things I bought tonight and how they look on me. I am excited to start wearing them in September but even more excited to spend some more money on new fall clothes! I'm going shopping on Saturday, for sure, and potentially on Thursday. I hope to find a bag for school, some fall boots, perhaps some flats, and some more casual-wear for class.

I'm looking for some knit tops, bright coloured hoodies, perhaps some new athletic-wear, a few skirts (just because), a pair of twill pants, some sort of high-wasted pants, and the like.

I haven't spent some serious money on clothes for myself in a really long time. I think I deserve it and so, I'm going to put lots of effort into my new "look." I don't even know if I have a "look," but at least I have some new, cute clothes that fit just right!

pictures from bsb (beware, they're full of sweat)!

2010-08-16T22:38:00.000-04:00

Before I entered the downtown Toronto core where I immediately became a sweaty pig with an afro.

Sup @ sweat and bloated stomachs? Whatevs. That's why we're friends.

Lovely...

So nasty but cute in a way.